To the memory of Pran Nath Lekhi & Kamla Lekhi, my parents my idols.
And to Aman Lekhi my Wonderful Brother
The Challenging Days – In and Out of Depression
Memories transport us like a time machine into the past. I remember when in my second year in college I had my first nervous breakdown. My brain seemed to be under the sway of aliens. I could hear them talk as if from a distance,. There were four of them. I could not get rid of these intruders. My brain had seemingly become my enemy and I was a convict of my own senses. “I hear voices,” I told my friends who were as confused as I, myself. When, after a passage of a few months, the voices disappeared. I felt the neighbours had a hand in this and developed a feeling of hatred towards them. I began cursing them loudly twice every day. I asked God to punish them with extreme vengeance. Then one day I suddenly got scared of actual harm befalling them and begged God not to punish them at all and punish me instead.
Ignorant of the various nuances of life, I found my family very extraordinary and craved for a simple life or so I wrongly thought. The fact was that due to undiagnosed manic depression since the seventh standard, my appreciation of reality was very limited, leaving me confused. I had started keeping myself busy in a world of my imagination. I had become very judgmental, considering only whether a situation was just or not. My reactions were not prompt or appropriate and I would realize only as an afterthought what in a given situation I could have said.
Earlier, when in school, I would get very angry, lock myself in a room and refuse to eat. After a long time when I saw Mummy’s harassed face I would repent.
My only saving grace was the compassion I felt even as a child. Being very kind-hearted, as I grew older I felt pain when I saw the suffering of others. I’d plunge myself into others’ problems and try and help wherever possible. In fact, social service on a very small scale became my passion when I got into adulthood. It included helping people in small ways when they faced difficulty in times of sickness, giving food from the court canteen in Tis Hazari to small children, helping in sorting out petty disputes and taking up cudgels against sometimes oppressive police. My means were scarce but with God’s help I always managed. I never publicized all that I did and even my family did not know.
My perspective of life changed when I got out of depression. Instead of getting irritated over petty things as I did before, I began to listen to others to understand their behaviour. Where once I used to scream and shout at my elder sister Somyata with, “You suffocate me!”, I now listened to her and if she was silent, I would say “Are you well?” My irritation gave way to a renewed sense of humour. I realized there are many facets to things like the sun’s rays and things should be seen in totality rather than in isolation and seclusion.
I can trace my depression from as far back as the seventh standard. Once a brilliant student, my grades began to go downhill and, in the tenth standard I failed. Those were the Emergency days in India and Papa was a political prisoner, being a follower of Jai Prakash Narain. I remember Mummy and I met Sister Dorothy at school and, keeping in view my earlier performance, the kind Sister promoted me despite my poor result. My senior school was a bad phase in my life and I and my family never realized that I had a problem – manic depression.
I remember sitting with my maternal uncles and aunts for lunch one day with a P. G. Wodehouse in my hands. I was making a pretence of reading the book while I was lost in my imagination. Suddenly, my aunt who had been observing me remarked : “Nikki is reading P. G. Wodehouse so seriously!”
Another time, while studying in the Law Faculty, our professor was dictating notes. I was busy scribbling some nonsense in my notebook. Suddenly a co-student Valmiki glanced at my book having missed some lines by the professor. He was confused by the matter I had written, and I was embarrassed.
After finishing Law, I started practice with my father who was a legal luminary. My depression had made my brain dull and I shirked away from hard work. I was not at all communicative. When I accompanied my father to court I maintained dead silence.
In depression, one’s reflexes become very slow. One cannot retort to comments – good or bad – swiftly enough. Later on, one thinks I could have said this or that but there is a great delay in one’s reactions. Often this leads to anger for not being able to participate with alacrity. One doesn’t use a bit of a sense of humour to cover up, but gets annoyed instead. This often leads to feeling hurt and helpless. Further, it leads to irritability and lack of patience. In severe cases, it leads to feeling insurmountable sadness and having difficulty in passing the time. Sometimes one feels very drowsy and unable to concentrate.
- The Childhood Spring
Before my depression began, I had a happy childhood.
My parents were students when they met in Lahore before Partition. My mother belonged to an established affluent Aggarwal family. Her father, Dr. Diwan Chand Aggarwal, was a pioneer in the field of radiology. He and his wife, Devki Aggarwal, had ten children, one of them being my mother, Kamla. My father belonged to Hoshiarpur and had lost his father at an early age. He had one older brother, four sisters and a very brave mother, Tej Kaur. Though my grandmother was illiterate, she was determined to educate all her children to the maximum. Unfortunately, one of her daughters Kanti, Shanti’s twin sister, contracted TB and passed away.
Both my parents were brilliant students, very idealistic, revolutionary and patriotic. Soon after their marriage, my father was selected as a Military Estates Officer. His last posting was to Jallandhar. I vividly remember myself, about three or four years old, cunningly eating the soil outside the house when mummy was having her bath. Another memory is that of my older sister, Somyata, leaving the house in protest; perhaps because she had been scolded over something. She left home carrying a few vegetables in a basket, with me following her loyally on my tricycle and Nishi Bhaiya, my cousin brother, imploring us to come back.
The Cantonment Board has the highest respect for my father for his remarkable performance, honesty and capability and for the many reforms he introduced. However, corrupt seniors found him to be a big hurdle for their loot and his promotion was denied. He resigned from his job and studied law, clearing his course with a gold medal. During my father’s studies, my mother ran an academy for school and college students, training them in a manner similar to the present-day coaching classes.
Our family shifted to Delhi and my father took on rent the first floor and terrace in a house at New Rajinder Nagar. My sister and later I got admitted to the Convent of Jesus and Mary. I clearly remember when, one day in Kindergarten, very innocently I began eating sweets in class openly. On being summoned by the two teachers I sensed that I was going to be punished. So I stretched out my hand for their spanking me with their ruler. Both were very amazed and kindly told me that eating in class was not permitted. Once during the lunch break I was standing near the swings. Suddenly it dawned on me that the world consists of so many people with innumerable types of activities besides my own world.
I was an extremely bright student. As I admired my mother the most, when asked to write an essay in the second standard on the topic of what I would like to be when I grew up, I wrote I would like to be a housewife. In the third standard in as essay I wrote how a witch was running around the fire singing a song. I wrote the words of the song also. My teacher’s comments were: “Is that your work?”
My father would take our family to hill stations during summer vacations. Our car was a make called Hindustan and was black in colour. When climbing steep inclines on the hill road, the engine always overheated getting very hot and releasing steam. My father was undeterred because there was cold water flowing down the mountains at short distances. While the car took a rest to cool down, Somyata and I would collect cones that had fallen from the Fir trees.
On one of our trips to Shimla my brother Aman was eight months old. Our cook Puran Singh was also travelling with us. Papa made a booking for us at Cheeni Bungalow Rest House. When we reached there we discovered that there was no arrangement for food and water. Puran Singh was sent to buy snacks and vegetables from the town below. On his return, there was very heavy rainfall and we collected absolutely pure water in buckets given by the caretaker. My father insisted that he would cook the food. At dinner-time we discovered that the preparation of rice was very watery and the remaining food not edible at all! So we all had biscuits and Aman was given milk that night.
Even as a child Aman when upset at certain words addressed to him would say, “You are spoiling my reputation!” When our parents took us for movies, Aman would laugh in a sweet, comical way during funny scenes and I would laugh at his laughter! I was seven years older than him, and Somyata was eleven years his senior.
I remember our neighborhood friends, Chinkoo and Pinku. They would often come to play with Somyata and myself. Chinkoo’s brother Pinku was uncontrollably naughty. When we played on the terrace, Somyata devised the idea of making Pinku ‘Humpty Dumpty’ and made him sit in the tiny room of the cook so that he would not disturb our games with his pranks.
When Aman was about seven we would visit our grandmother and play cricket along with our other cousins. The girls used to be in the girls’ team and the boys in the boys’ team. Those were carefree days!
- The Dark Days of Emergency
Sometime in the early 1970s there emerged a movement called, ’Total revolution’ under a great leader, Jayprakash Narayan. It gave rise to a new set of followers opposing the Congress under Indira Gandhi. The Allahabad High Court had declared the election of Indira Gandhi null and void. In retaliation, Indira Gandhi declared an Emergency on 25 June 1975. The Supreme Court suspended the Writ of Habeas Corpus by a majority judgement, the dissenting Judge being Justice H.R. Khanna.
By this, the right to life and liberty was suspended and people could be arrested according to the whims and fancy of the Congress, without any power to challenge the false arrest. All the followers of JP were arrested, including JP himself. My father joined the movement. As always, this decision of Papa was fully endorsed by Mummy and all three of us children.
I remember going with my father in the late evening with many posters and a large container of glue, sticking the posters in favour of JP in the Campus area. Later one evening some Police Officers entered our house to arrest P.N. Lekhi, my father. Luckily, he was near his car. As the police failed to recognize him, he shouted at them not to block the road and swiftly drove away under their very nose!
A few days later, when my mother came to know that the police were going to take away our fridge, gas and Papa’s entire library, she went into action. Overnight, she put the books in a number of sacks and via the loyal local taxi-stand dispatched them to various advocates for safe custody. in this manner, she saved my father’s entire library from perishing at the police station.
My father in the meantime went underground and stayed with various friends and relatives. Later, he and some other followers of JP, surrendered in the lawns of India Gate to the police.
At first my father was lodged at Tihar Jail in Delhi. On certain days, we were permitted to meet him and give him lunch. Mummy along with us children would go by bus to Tihar with Papa’s favourite food. With Mummy’s help my father filed many cases in the High Court from jail. My Uncle, Mummy’s brother Satya Pal Aggarwal helped Mummy with the finances. Then my Father stood for the High Court Bar elections from jail for Presidentship. He won the election unopposed unanimously. He was sent to solitary confinement at Jabalpur. While being sent there by train he was handcuffed by the Police. Many passengers on the railway platform passed nasty comments not knowing that my Father was a political prisoner.
On 18th January 1977, Emergency was revoked and elections were declared. Janta Party won the elections consisting of a union of many political parties.
- Are Marriages Ordained by Heaven?
Marriage as an institution was something I was not suitable for. Being extremely attached to my mother, my priority, loyalty and attachment were always to my parents, my sister and brother. I refused to be a doormat in my matrimonial home. I did not understand domestic politics, not having ever seen my parents indulge in it. Perfection for the man I married lay in the fact that he did not smoke or drink. I am proud that I did not take things lying down. And I really misbehaved. I returned to my parental home in less than two months. I returned all their jewellery and refused to take any money as permanent alimony.
Upon my return to my parental home, I had my second nervous breakdown. It began with a small fight with my sister and father. Suffering from undiagnosed manic depression, I decided to shift from my parental home to a rented accommodation. Manic depression leads to exaggerated mood swings. Either the mood goes on an extreme high or an intense low.
Early next morning, I boarded a bus and went in search of a rented accommodation. Then, boarding another bus, I went to the High Court. Being early morning, hardly anyone was around. I met a lone typist and told him that I wanted to file a case against my father. Boarding another bus I returned home. That very day around 8 pm I felt that some dangerous people had entered my father’s office, Shouting something,I rushed into the office and then screaming I rushed to the street and then into a neighbour’s house, still screaming. I once again shot out into the street and yelling something sat down on the road. My family had also rushed out behind me together with the neighbours. My father simultaneously had contacted our family physician who directed a psychiatrist to immediately reach our house. I was given some injections and fell into a deep sedated sleep.
When I regained consciousness an elderly psychiatrist Dr. Anand diagnosed that I was schizophrenic and had to take hormonal injections. Whenever he visited he said very solemnly that I was a ‘serious case’. I found this very demeaning and disturbing. Nevertheless, I started taking the injections regularly and began to put on weight. Extremely disturbed by Dr. Anand’s attitude, I became very rebellious and started refusing to undergo the treatment. Feeling helpless, my mother turned for help to her brother Dr. Satyapal Aggarwal, a radiologist. On his advice, she consulted another psychiatrist Dr. Ashutosh One day mummy casually informed me that she had met a psychiatrist Dr. Ashutosh. The doctor had said whenever Vandana desired she could meet him. I became very curious to meet this doctor and finally paid him a visit with mummy.
- Different Doctors
I found Dr. Ashutosh very friendly and not examining me as some sort of a tainted specimen. I felt comfortable talking to him and happy that he found me to be a normal individual. At first, he continued treating me with regular injections for schizophrenia. At that time, I was practicing as a lawyer at the district Court in Delhi. I had also joined the Rotary Club and invited Dr. Ashutosh as the Chief Guest at one of our meetings. He observed my interactions with other members and the next day asked my mother and myself to visit him. He told us that I was not schizophrenic at all but suffered from manic depression and as a treatment for that to take Lithium.
During one of my visits to Dr. Ashutosh I met a doctor suffering from depression. He told me that he was receiving threats from a builder to vacate his clinic. One day early in the morning our guard told me that a man had come to visit me. It was the doctor who was receiving threats from the builder. He was very bruised and crying pathetically. As I took him into the house he fainted. Seeing all this my father was very annoyed. With great difficulty, I took the doctor in a taxi to a clinic and reported the matter to the police.
In the meantime, I realized that Lithium was not suiting me so I stopped taking it. I began avoiding Dr. Ashutosh and became adamant that there was nothing wrong with me.
Mummy had made me join different slimming centres. Her love for us children knew no limits. She would cook delicious boiled food for me, making it very tasty. I still wonder how she made such tasty curd from skimmed milk. Thus I managed to lose excess weight. Finding clients for my legal practice seemed a tough job. Not having a normal brain, the idea of choosing talented lawyers as co-partners never occurred to me. I did not even study Law from my father’s vast library. I was afraid of practicing in the High Court and preferred the District Court.
So my darling mother made me join a two-year Diploma course in advertising & public relations at South Delhi Polytechnic for Women.
Having completed the course, I decided to set up a company called Idea Advertising. I managed to get two small assignments but failed to make much headway. This was followed by job stints with Mid Day, Ankur Advertising and Kegg Farms. Due to depression, I used to be filled with immense sadness and becoming like a vegetable unable to pass time. I realized the cause to be depression but felt helpless in dealing with it. I would visit temples and pray to God to give me good or bad times but not to extinguish the strength to deal with them.
However, things would only get worse.
My mother enquired from our family doctor Dr. Dhiraj Bhatia to guide us to a good psychiatrist. He suggested Dr. Rohit Jaiman. I started visiting him regularly. He told me that manic depression is due to chemical imbalance and started giving me medicines. I further learnt that manic depression causes abnormal fluctuations in mood which can either go very high or very low.
In normal people mood fluctuations remain within limits, contrary to those in manic depression. I saw people of all strata, rich and poor, seeking his help. The kind-hearted psychiatrist took hardly any fees from financially weak patients. I also realized that awareness for mental health and problems was being understood by most people and that it was no longer such a taboo.
- A Struggling Lawyer
My father briefly introduced me to the Delhi High Court Legal Aid Cell. There I became friends with an elderly lady Raj Kumari, one of the employees. Raj Kumari lived with her brother Tilak in Dayanand Colony. One day she invited me to her house. Reaching there I rang the bell. Since there was no response and the door was open I walked right in. One room led to another and finally there was a small green patch for a garden where I found Raj Kumari plucking tori from her garden. As I greeted her she asked me, “Were you not scared of my dog?” When I gave her a confused look, she took me to the entrance of her house; the sitting room had a statue of a dog! We both laughed. She showed me the dolls she made and gifted me one. Later, I came to know all her relatives and friends. Being very ordinary myself, I adored simple people.
Rita, another lawyer, also became my friend. She knew a builder Vinod Soin. After meeting him, I decided to get property deals of collaborations and earn a commission. I was trying to find shortcuts for making money. It never entered my head that studying legal commentaries and bare acts and thereby enhancing my knowledge was a better option!
Depression makes a person very sluggish and shirk hard work. Through Rita I met another lawyer Om Prakash. He asked me to enter into a partnership with him to work together in the District Court. At that time, there had been no bifurcation of courts apart from Rohini Court. I hated the lawyers’ uniform and with great reluctance wore the coat and band and many times did without it.
At first, Om Prakash and I used the chamber of Mr. B.D. Goyal, a challan advocate and later shifted to the chamber of Mr. P.S. Mahendru who was on the panel of Indian Railways. Lots of street children could be found in Tis Hazari District Court and I often used to buy them snacks from the court canteen. My father was giving me Rs. 20,000 every month and a lot of it was spent on this activity. I had an irregular court practice but kept my spirit for social work alive constantly. God had snatched away my power of normal behaviour but provided me with a large heart, always ready to bring a smile on the faces of financially weak people. Now, when I have regrets about so many things, my never-ending social work gives me a slight sense of achievement.
One day mummy called me and said: “Find out how much a chamber costs and take the money from me.” Just like my mother to give so much even without my asking! On my getting a chamber, many events took place. Om Prakash was debarred from practice, having been found guilty of malpractice. I parted company from him. Simultaneously, Tata Yellow Pages was launched. It was a unique directory that permitted advocates to advertise.
I started placing advertisements showing matrimonial law as my specialty. Having witnessed my parents’ lives,legends as I call them — Extraordinarily brillianthonest, so revolutionary and patriotic– I had learnt politics at the national level only, not domestic. They had taught us children to think big and not be petty. I applied this outlook to matrimonial law, added with achieving justice. I got sporadic cases but was successful in the results. I must have been the only lawyer in the Universe who was taking a mere pittance as fees. I never charged for every hearing and took a one-time amount. That too was given mostly in instalments. Most of the amount was exhausted during the pendency of the case.
At first, if I got male clients seeking a divorce and their wives came ccrying to me, then, listening to my conscience, I would return the file to the husband. Now that I had a chamber I increased my social work activities. Besides helping others, two small children, brothers Narinder and Vijender became a big concern of mine. Their father, a rickshaw-puller had passed away and their mother had deserted them and remarried. I turned to their grandmother for help. She told me that their school principal had expelled them from school. I sent her with a letter to the Principal apologizing for their conduct and begging him to give them a second chance. These two mischievous boys were incorrigible and were expelled once again. On rare occasions, I would bring them home, buy them new clothes, give them a bath and take them out for lunch. I used to leave rations with their grandmother at their residence at Mori Gate. However, my help was not constant due to limited finances. I am guilty of intermittent help. The realization of how heartless most people are towards such children who are bereft of love and thus fall into bad habits, even crime often disturbed my mental peace.
- Total Collapse
By the time I reached my forties I started feeling insecure. I had not saved any money and old age was at my doorstep. My brain was becoming duller. I had kept two juniors and they were doing most of the work. Even cases I had drafted well could not be argued intelligently as my brain would go blank. While sitting in a courtroom I could not keep my eyes open and the court staff would tell me to keep my eyes open. I realized my days of practice as a lawyer were over.
Failing to deal with the crisis, as an escape from the situation I decided to get married. So I took the help of matrimonial services. When I met some likely suitors I became disgusted of the very idea of marriage and gave it up. By then, mummy had developed Parkinson’s Disease. I decided to sell my chamber and take care of mummy.
For me, mummy was my universe. I worshipped her and saw in her Durga Ma in all Her forms. I began calling mummy Durga Ma. Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s attack the nervous system gradually resulting in loss of memory, difficulty in speech, disability in walking, the brain becoming incapable of sending and receiving signals for the normal functioning of the body. As time passes, one loses all speech, ability to walk or understand. So far there is no cure for this dreadful disease.
During the early stages of the disease, mummy could walk and climb steps with my help and that of an attendant. We would take two rounds of the park outside our house. My father got a VCD and DVD player for mummy. I started buying a lot of old Hindi movie cassettes for her. The attendant and I would give mummy a running commentary of the movie that we played for her. After lunch, we would make her lie down for an afternoon nap. In the evenings, we would take mummy for a one-hour drive, telling her amongst other things, the names of the roads we passed. At night, she would tell us when she wanted to go to the toilet and we would take her there.
In 2000 or 2001, mummy had a heart attack and an angioplasty was performed by inserting two stents. My brother Aman had a new name plate put on the gate of our house, it bore my mother’s name: Kamla. All the attendants who took care of mummy with me were told to serve her with their heart. Reciprocally, I told them that they would be served by me. Due to my mother’s condition, I did not want them to cause any harm to her. I would give the attendants gifts and good food. I adjusted myself to the attendants and not vice versa. Partly due to my depression I had the tendency of going overboard.
- Launching an NGO
Not being in a condition to take clear decisions, I thought I was destined to do social work. So I made the blunder of forming an NGO named after my mother. Having sold my chamber for four lakh rupees, I formed a charitable society with dummy members, thinking that this way I would devote some time to the NGO and a major part with my mother.
I asked my psychiatrist Dr. Rohit Jaiman for an alternative therapy to medicines for getting out of depression. He advised me to write out the problems facing me due to depression on a daily basis and then write out the solutions for them. So, one time I wrote about my overwhelming sadness and becoming incapable of passing time. As an answer, I wrote that at night I used to watch TV channels which I enjoyed, so to think about them and also to imagine things I liked, to divert myself from depression.
One medicine I accepted was Fludac, a mood uplifter. Fludac comes in different potencies and, without consulting Dr. Rohit Jaiman, instead of taking 20 mg I began taking Fludac 60. I stopped visiting and consulting him. My mother was no longer in a condition to guide me. When she was well, she understood that I had a severe problem. She had tried to get me to learn everything about computers while paying exorbitant fees for it. I attended the class only one day and left it. Then she made me join Shahnaz Hussain’s beauty treatment classes, an extremely expensive course which also I left after attending just a few classes. Mummy never ever once reprimanded me for having wasted so much of her money.
Narendra and Vijender were now in their late teens and they came and informed me that their grandmother had turned them out of their Mori Gate house. So I took on rent a portion of the ground floor in South Extension Part 1, being walking distance from my parents’ home in South Extension Part 2. Sadly, Narendra and Vijender had developed very bad habits. They had become addicted to liquor and gutka, a kind of tobacco. They did not even know simple cooking and I let them live in the rented accommodation. I arranged for a private tutor in the nearby colony Kidwai Nagar. Next, I employed a part-time lady to cook for them. All of it was to no avail. Both failed to attend their tuition classes. They fought with the lady cook and turned her out. They got into a fight with some boys from Kotla and I got very scared so I arranged for some other boys to stay with them for some time.
Eventually, with a heavy heart, I finally turned both of them out from South Extension Part 1. I realized that many street children are like wild animals with very little power of concentration. However, Narendra and Vijender who called me mom would always plan something or the other to emotionally blackmail me and were frequently in and out of the rented premises, which eventually became my NGO office.
Though I had done a lot of social work, how to run a charitable organization and raise funds was not within my knowledge. On top of it, I had dummy members. I was duped by a young boy of one lakh rupees; part of the proceeds from the sale of my chamber. He promised to get me a large fund, an impossible task as my society was not three years old. I applied to Tihar Jail Prison Headquarters for enlisting my NGO to work with inmates. I was given work in Jail Number Three IGNOU Ward. I asked my father for financial help. He did not have a good impression of NGOs as he was handling Chandraswami’s NGO’s criminal case. He refused to help beyond what he was giving me every month. So far I had helped people and their families in small numbers. For the first time I was to handle a large group. Being a one-man show, I decided to teach them English. In the IGNOU Ward there was a large room with a blackboard and many chairs. There was also a library in another room.
I treated the inmates as normal people with respect and never enquired from anyone of them what crime they had been jailed for. I gave them the example of the great sage Valmiki who had written the holy book Ramayana. At first, Valmiki was a dreaded, merciless dacoit who looted and killed people and wore a garland of their bones. Once he made a sadhu (hermits) his target. Unperturbed by the thought of impending death, the sadhu told Valmiki to at least once ask his family members, who lived off his earnings, whether they would also accept the burden of his guilt and commit the same crimes if they had to provide for the household. Further, the sadhu told Valmiki that he would wait for Valmiki’s return and not leave the spot. When Valmiki questioned his family, not one of them was willing to perform the same acts for him. Realization dawned on Valmiki and he fell at the hermit’s feet and asked how he should ask God for forgiveness. The hermit told him to keep repeating the word “Maar”. By continuously chanting the word “maar” it got converted to “Ram”, the name of God. He neither ate or drank and kept saying Ram, Ram, Ram. Soon an anthill built around him and that is how he began to be called Valmiki. Lord Ram’s wife Sita took shelter in his ashram when she was banished from Ayodhya. By this history of India I explained to the inmates that God, whether Allah or Jesus or Lord Ram always encouraged reform and gave everyone an opportunity for it.
About fifteen or twenty inmates attended my class. However, when I bought stationery and exercise books almost all of them crowded into the room. I really found their behaviour extremely child-like. Some of them asked for a Hindi to English guide, so I got a number of Rapidex Hindi to English books. Later on, there were demands for the Holy Quran and the Bible sometimes in different Indian languages. I would place orders at Midland Book Shop for them.
I witnessed some terrible occurrences at Tihar, when I asked the inmates to volunteer as teachers. After having held some classes, the inmate teacher would get beaten up probably by other inmates and would quit teaching. Once, I had special sweets prepared by the Jail authorities for the IGNOU Ward which I would visit on alternate days. I spent almost three hours including the commuting time on my Jail visits, and spent the rest of my time with my mother with a short visit to my office.
Under the Congress rule rampant corruption was taking place with the tacit connivance of banks. Laundering of unimaginably huge amounts of money in the name of donations to NGOs. This consisted of staggering amounts from more than hundred crores to lakhs of crores. A certain percentage was given to the NGOs and the rest would be returned to the donor after giving commission to the agents. A large amount of this would necessarily be given to Sonia Gandhi’s Rajiv Foundation. Though this racket was being managed by certain influential people, the ordinary man also got carried away by the virus of this racket. A new category of agents was born. These agents would talk of lakh of crores without even having enough money to travel in a bus. Illegal activities had become the accepted norm of the day.
To get contacts I would place advertisements in newspapers. That is how I met Pratap Negi who had done Masters in Social Work and was an encyclopaedia on how to run NGOs. He gave me wonderful staff like Pritima and Neeraj. I gave up visiting jail as I could give only two to three hours in a day for my social work. The rest of the time I spent with my great mother.
My money from the sale of my chamber had got exhausted. I had to manage with twenty thousand and certain investments my parents had done for me. With this young group, I started English classes in three slums, two of them already getting help from two other NGOs. Two of them had teachers whom I gave a small salary and in the third I personally went to teach. I was amazed and aggrieved by the dedication of the students, big and small, thirsty to learn but unable to get good teachers. Their mothers had another grievance. Their husbands were addicted to liquor. When I told them that I would get the help of the police, I was shocked to learn that the liquor racket took place with the active participation and connivance of the police itself!
Having got Income Tax exemption of 80 G (v)(v) in the second year of my NGO, in the third year I applied for FCRA. When the Intelligence Bureau officer came for verification, along with other documents letters received from the Jail inmates were shown to the officer. I received the FCRA certificate without giving any bribe. Around this time I met a so-called agent, Saxena.
My sister, I and my brother were fortunate to have witnessed the life and struggles of our parents Pran Nath Lekhi and Kamla Lekhi. Both being very idealistic, principled and extremely patriotic, they always preferred values to money. I bow my head in reverence to both. I was later to realize how right my father had been by not helping me financially with my NGO. If mummy had been well she also would have explained not to go ahead with an NGO. For a person genuinely wanting to help the underprivileged one needed an excellent bank balance since a lot of expenditure would be involved. Also, India was heading for doomsville under the Congress which was only interested in looting the country, just for their personal gain.
Not ever having witnessed any lust for money in my parents’ life, I was misguided to learn the tricks of minting money though my intention was not evil but only and solely to raise money for charity. Money had never been an attraction for me except to utilize it for my social work. My prayer to God had only been to give me enough to meet my expenses.
Saxena had a knack of convincing gullible and desperate NGOs about huge donations and after every failure returning with more convincing stories. He would charge for all his fruitless efforts. The amazing and senseless paperwork he got done for projects varying from hundred crores to lakhs of crores was not his only specialty. Similar types of agents were scattered all over India.
Since I was unable to give the salary of Neeraj and Pritima they decided to leave. Also, Pritima was to get married. Both told me to give them salary certificates on my NGO’s letterheads. Pritima asked me to give her arrears of her salary amounting to over one lakh rupees. Instead of refusing her and not being stable in my mind, I borrowed one lakh rupees promising to return double of the amount! This was the initiation of the debt trap I created for myself. Instead of taking the decision to shut down my NGO which would have been a wise decision, I persisted in running it.
At that time, a lot of wrong elements joined my NGO. I had kept a part-time cook. Instead of realizing that these people were exploiting the office for their personal ends I began to feel indebted to them. On top of it, most of the time I was at home with my mother. These people were not interested in any charity but were using my office for prevalent wheeling and dealing of criminal activities. These included conversion of white money to black and vice versa and getting fraudulent loans of extraordinary amounts passed by banks. Being in a very bad debt trap, I gave my consent to their activities though I was totally ignorant how they would execute their evil designs. However, all this was only a reflection how Congress, the ruling party had created a virus of corruption in these activities and encouraged people in short-cuts to amass astronomical sums of money.
- The Black Hole of Debts
In desperation, due to my debts, I sold all my jewelry given to me by my mother. For every debt I would cut cheques of double the amount, not daring to inform my father or brother. Earlier, one debt of four lakhs had been cleared by my sister and brother-in-law. My father had started giving me fifty thousand rupees every month but I was truly in a mess. Finally I disclosed one of my debts to my brother Aman and he told me to shut down my NGO, which I did. My father was remaining unwell and he passed away on 28th February 2010. I gave up my NGO to a certain person who got involved in a CBI case for some illegal acts he had committed.
My habit of cutting cheques for a price double the amount without having any such balance in my bank left my brother Aman to face my creditors who had conned me by converting my debts into exaggerated amounts. I had already exhausted the fund my father had left me. I had learnt one of the biggest lessons in my life. To do only that much which your means allow. To totally avoid illegal and evil activities. I had always respected my father for his unshakeable principles but for the first time I realized their application in real life was the only way to live.
- Life without Papa
I now decided that I would only take care of my hero, my mother. I remembered how almost every year my elder sister Somyata Bansal and brother-in-law Narendra Bansal would take me and mummy with two attendants to Hardwar. They would contact my father’s friend Mr. Mittal who had an ashram there and ask him to arrange for permission to take mummy straight to the ghats in a jeep. Before the actual trip, Somyata and Narendra jeejaji would themselves make an entire trip to note the restaurants with good toilets and food on Hardwar’s route for mummy.
On my father’s death, I was in a fix whether to break the news to mummy or not. All her life she had sacrificed so much for the entire family and our parents had struggled from zero without ever abandoning their principles. Being as extraordinary and brilliant as my father, having done Masters in Psychology, with an outstanding command over both Hindi and English and sound knowledge of mathematics, she never entertained any ambitions for herself.
My sister Somyata said mummy had to be made aware of our father’s death. Mummy was heart-broken and kept repeating “he’s gone”, “he’s gone”. She stopped eating and drinking even water. When food was offered to her she would clench her teeth. With great difficulty her medicines had to be given to her and it would lead to bruising her lips. At that time Aman and Meenakshi were handling Leila Fernandes’s case. Leila was the wife of George Fernandes who was former Defence Minister when Vajpayee had been Prime Minister. Mummy and Papa had been close friends of George Fernandes, now battling with Alzheimer’s. Leila guided us to a brilliant neurologist Dr. J.D. Mukherjee who advised us certain medicines. Finally we succeeded in making mummy eat and drink.
After Papa’s demise Aman took over taking care of mummy and me. He would call mummy queen and himself prince. He kept a physiotherapist Dr. Pradeep for mummy. The physiotherapist was extremely talented and took loving care of mummy till her death. For mummy’s care, according to Aman only the very best had to be provided and no expenses spared. He would often take time out from his extremely busy schedule to be with her. Many times he would eat dinner next to her bed. For all of us including my elder sister Somyata, my brother-in-law Narendra Bansal, their son Samar and later his wife Anushka, my sister-in-law Meenakshi, Aman and Meenakshi’s children Anirudh and Pranay, mummy was the most precious person.
After my father’s death once mummy became dangerously unwell. She was admitted in Max Hospital at Saket. Sometime earlier on one of my birthdays Somyata and Narendra jeejaji had gifted me a laptop. Knowing very little about computers I opened an account in Facebook. However when I decided to write in it my mind became a blank. I was amazed at how my nephew Pranay, Aman’s son could write so effortlessly. So I stopped using the computer. When mummy was hospitalized Narendra jeejaji and Somyata would bring their IPad to play devotional songs as well as others which were mummy’s favorites. While trying to teach me the nitty gritties of Facebook, they volunteered to run my Facebook account for me. Out of sheer love for me, Somyata and Narendra jeejaji posted many of my photographs of younger days. I objected to this and both listened.
When idealistic and revolutionary parents are struggling in life, with them their children face countless difficulties. Life is always tough and opportunities very dismal. My father was like a one-man opposition to Indira Gandhi and later on to her entire family. He fearlessly fought extraordinary legal battles against them which were never reported in legal digests. This was only possible for him because of my mother’s infallible devotion to him and his causes. As their children we were their only spokespersons. Our parents had many admirers but their adversaries were greater in number. Congress rule meant promotion for their adulators only. Under the Congress political contacts and their slavish adulation meant certain success in life. Talent alone never had either any recognition or chance. As children we had to meet many challenges of life alone and without any help. Our personal difficulties led to a lot of misunderstandings among ourselves as brother and sisters. However, we were equally united with our parents’ political views and their principles. I was the black sheep to the extent of going astray and joining hands with wrong people in my NGO. Finally I also learnt a big lesson to follow the tough path and never take short-cuts in life. Probably if I had no depression and a normal brain I would have made saner judgements. Inspite of all this consider how lucky we children were! Having legends as parents is like seeing God in action.
When my father was no more Aman decided to rebuild our parents’ house. Sometime back I had made friends with Madhu Ji who lived nearby. Sh was a spinster. She had taken voluntary retirement from a Japanese firm. Through her I met another lovable person Gita Ji who had as a pet a Cocker Spaniel named Ashkin. Since I took mummy’s blood pressure twice every day before giving her medicines I would never step out of the house after 5 5.30pm. Also, for an outing to purchase necessary items or to just roam around for a change I would generall choose 3pm. As family get-togethers and weddings would take place late in the evenings or night time I would not attend them at all. I felt happy this way as earlier when I attended social functions, small talk was something totally lacking in my system and I would prefer to sit somewhere. I would rather prefer my own company than socialize.
Having witnessed such a tough struggle without any compromise on principles, as a family we children were able to face challenges undeterred. One often hears that with severe depression suicidal tendencies are also common. However unmanageable, many times my life would become I never gave up trying. The thought of suicide never ever entered my head. As a lawyer more than once I would leave the Court premises and rush to Dr. Jaiman. Apart from my family nobody knew I was facing such an intense ailment. At times when I was not getting any work, efforts were made by me to find small legal jobs. I have had the experience of becoming a zero in life and due to this I learnt one of the biggest lessons in life. Whenever ego becomes active in a person it makes a mess in his brain and makes it run amuck. Further it makes him lose his mental balance. The best way to live is to consider only God as being supreme and perfect and all mankind His devotees. Rest all are equal, some being more lucky than others. If anyone feels too powerful, beware! It might boomerang into problems without any solutions. Always think on the larger factors in life and avoid being petty. One of the reasons many people can’t cure their depression is because they ignore the above-mentioned principles.
God Almighty gives mankind many options in life continuously. We shape our destiny by adopting any one of these options every time. Life is the biggest school of learning. When one makes a wrong choice it’s possible if he’s introspective to change course and not repeat the mistake. Alas! Many people even lack the capacity to realize the wrongs they commit.
With time, mummy’s condition was deteriorating. She had stopped walking and her speech had become retarded. God blessed us with the three attendants Kiran, Latika and Anita who served mummy with their heart and soul. I began to consider them my daughters and my daughters they will be till my very end. Aman had reconstructed the house, designing it personally with the architect and his sons Anirudh and Pranay. He connected all the floors with one another and had one large kitchen only for the sake of the unity of the family. Mummy and I had an exquisite first floor. I had told him I wanted a large bathroom. Out of love he made it so fancy with a number of gadgets for the tap. Even till now I have not learnt how to use them and so I got a bucket with elementary knowledge only for filling it.
- Mummys Blessings
About that time very gradually a miracle began to unwind. I slowly came to realize that when I felt very strongly about certain things writing about them would flow spontaneously and effortlessly and the matter would appear without me taxing my brain like magic. From then on, I began writing in Facebook myself. With mummy being looked after with such loving care by the three attendants, I thought I’ll pick up some limited work. As I searched for small freelance work, content writing seemed a good option. I did a few assignments but my typing speed was very slow. Then I asked some of my friends who were lawyers to give me legal research work. My friend Nikhil Marwaha had purchased an expensive fridge which was defective since inception. He complained to the dealer and the company, after great delay, sent its employees to repair the fridge. However, they put a dent in the fridge and did no satisfactory work. So I sent them a notice. For that for the first time I did a thorough study of legal books and enjoyed it. I also asked Narendra Bansal, my brother-in-law who is a Chief Engineer in a foreign shipping company details about the functioning of a fridge. Discovery of the fact that answer for all cases lay in a detailed understanding of legal commentaries together with the bare acts was made by me. Since the notice had no effect on the company, I filed a case in the Consumer Forum against the company and the dealer incorporating certain criminal charges also. After service of the case had been done on the next day of hearing the company gave an undertaking that within a week they will replace the damaged fridge with a new one.
As I had done well in matrimonial law during my earlier days I now sat down to read the law on family courts and Hindu law. I also attended family courts to learn the functioning. While looking for jobs on the net I came across a certain vacancy. I got work on Environmental Law to appear in tribunals. I told them that I would give them limited time only. The said work was headed by a journalist. When realization dawned on me that every case was being drafted by the journalist himself and a very dim-witted lawyer, after a few appearances in the National Green Tribunal I left that work. As a small hobby I began blogging on vandanalekhi.wordpress.com. My mother’s health was deteriorating. I decided to take care of her and forget any other work. On 27th October my mother passed away. For me she alone had been my entire family and the only person I loved with my heart and soul. I used to tell everyone that there is an invisible umbilical cord still joining us. With mummy’s death that was severed. For some time I hardly did anything. Then I pulled myself together and started visiting Tis Hazari i.e. the District Court. An old friend Dr. Renu Aggarwal was kind enough to let me use her chamber. My heart however lay in mediation and out-of-court settlements. In spite of spreading the word around I was unable to get any work. Already I left my fate in God’s hands and realized I would write books. There was another factor. Along with Aman and his staff, I was taking care of a number of street dogs. So, writing books was the best choice.
Beginning to ponder on the effect of no longer having any depression I realized that post depression I had become a different person. For the first time my brain was working along with my heart. I was having the ability to rationalize and plan my moves. Taking decisions on different issues in a practical manner was aiding me and for once I felt confident and in control of myself. I had finall attained normalcy in my late fifties. While most elderly people were claiming they were still young at heart I was glorifying old age as the best time of everyone’s life. Having experienced so much in life I felt that on rebirth I would love to be a part of the atmosphere or a leaf on a tree. If reborn as a human instead of being wealthy what I would wish for is the same large heart and a desire to spread happiness by small, good deeds.VANDANA LEKHI
Simple Solutions by Vandana Lekhi 